My dog Nicky passed away today.
As I type this I still cannot believe it. I feel numb because it all happend so fast.
He was, after all, still okay on Friday. He was walking around, smiling at me, eating his favourite meal: chicken soup and papaya for dessert.
But when I came back on Sunday, I knew he wasn’t the same dog. He was listless, tired, and he kept falling down. He also gave me a smile that seemed to forced - as if he was putting it on for my benefit. He vomited in the morning, I was told, and when I saw how listless he was I thought it was time to bite the bullet and take him to the vet.
I took him to the vet around 4pm, but she didn’t seem too sure about what to do, and I felt better that I should take him back home. He hated vets … but around midnight, when he vomited for the fourth time that day, I rushed him to the hospital so that he’ll be warded. But by the next morning the writing was on the wall. The blood test showed that he had kidney failure and was beyond help.
I brought him back home because I do not want him to die in a cold hospital. We took him home, and at first he was smiling and happy - I think he was glad that he was at home. I even took a picture of him and you would think that he’s bursting with life because he looked so delighted. I knew then that I made the right decision to bring him back because he was so morose in the hospital.
We then took him for a pram ride around the neighbourhood. He seemed happy too, sitting contently in it. But after that … he went downhill fast. The doctor came around 3pm. Frankly it happened all too fast, and my mum didn’t get to say goodbye properly. She went to the kitchen and went she came out he was gone. But I wouldn’t want her to see the sudden snuffing out of light in my doggie’s eyes. I wouldn’t want to see that ever again.
The undertaker came (Pet Memorial Service) and professionally set up the cardboard box that will serve as his coffin. I placed a bright red towel first, then Nicky - he was still warm, I noted - and covered him with one of his blankies. Then I placed some of his favourite toys in with him. He’s now hugging a teddy in eternal rest. I also scattered some white flowers from the garden, and two red flowers with him.
It was very tough saying goodbye to him. Death is such a horribly surreal thing to see. One minute he was there … and the next minute he just … stopped.
Mum and I patted him and said some words, and the man sealed the coffin up.
And like that, 15 years’ source of love and joy was gone.
Nicky was a very loveable dog; he loved us - each of us in unique ways. With my dad, you could see how much Nicky worshipped him, like every pat or hug from dad was like a gift from the heavens above.
With my mum he was almost protective. He would sit watchfully by her side while she watched her Korean dramas, and knowing what a soft heart she has, he would beg off food from her at every single opportunity.
Nicky greets my brother like a … brother. He would always be at the door to say hi when he visits our parents weekly.
With me he goes all out. He was a big snuggler with me. He loved having me hug him. He would tuck his head at the crook of my neck on my shoulder. He would sometimes place his head on my lap and look up at my imploringly for a scratch, and more often than not he would place his forehead on my leg - his special way of getting attention from me.
Oh Lord, I will miss him. He has been such a healing and loving force in my family. For 15 years he provided me unconditional love; he helped me go through the most difficult times in my life because of his steadfast presence and unquestioning love. Now that he’s gone, I’m not really sure what to do.
What do I fill my mornings with now? I spend my mornings taking him for a walk in the pram, and cooking his meals. He loved watching me and mum whipping up his breakfast. He would sit patiently by the stove, his head crooked to a side as he wondered what I was cooking for him.
In my mind he is now in a very happy, bright place, where he can run through the meadow unworried about aching joints or a bad ticker. One day, I hope to run towards him in the meadows. What a reunion that will be.
UPDATE: Here’s what my sister says about him: “Nicky has been a silent loving comfort for me always during my times of need. Even though he did not understand what was going on, he could somehow sense that I needed him to listen to me.”
He seemed to know what a quiet, reserved person my sister is. He would quietly make his way to my sister when she’s sitting on the floor watching TV to sit right next to her so that their butts touch. We always found it so funny that Nicky made it a point to “touch butts” with Siew Kim. He may be sitting facing away from her, but his butt will always be in some contact with her body.
My sister is in the US. Having Nicky die so far away must be so difficult for her. I know I’ll just fall to pieces.
Like I said, he was an amazing dog. Truly, he was God’s gift not just to me but to my entire family.
